Monday, December 24, 2007

Depressing Fortune Cookies: Ruining the Hopes and Dreams of Young Ostomates

'Twas the night before Christmas
When Jews eat Chinese food
Haven't bought any presents?
You're probably screwed.
'Twas the night before Christmas
And this ostomate sighed
Because she knew that tonight
Her puppy would cry.
To-mor-row morning (it's a stretch, but bear with me here. i feel like i've just gotten an 8 gallon shot of morphine. something was totally laced in my club soda tonight.)
When Christian people live well
All of my family
Is at the Boca Hotel.
'Twas the night before Christmas
And I'm a very jealous girl
Who ate too many lettuce wraps
And is now gonna hurl.

Like it?
So, okay, I'm not really gonna throw up. Gosh, just saying the word 'hurl' or 'barf' makes you feel sick, right? Cause I didn't feek nauseous, like, a second ago and now I do. I've realized that I am a frequent, comma, abuser, because, I, just, looked, at, all the posts I've done since October and I, use, commas, too, much.
So tonight we ate Chinese at the best Chinese restaurant in Florida, Orient Palace. It's like a half-hour drive but sooo worth it. Except for when we got the fortune cookies.

LINDSAY'S FORTUNE: People are drawn to you because of your charm.
NANA JUDI'S FORTUNE: The greatest decision you'll ever make will be made tomorrow.
GRANDMA'S FORTUNE: You are good with money.
ZACK'S FORTUNE: You will have excellent luck come the New Year.
DADDY'S FORTUNE: The next question someone asks, the answer is yes.

Those are all kickbutt fortunes, am I right? I mean, Lindsay's charming, Nana's a good decision maker, grandma's good with money, Zazk will have good luck in like a week, and daddy has the next 12 seconds of his life already planned out! So what did mine say?

CASEY'S FORTUNE, TAKE 1: So I ask the cookie before I break it, "Will I get my bag off?" and it breaks into 3 pieces after I split it open. Guess what the fortune says?
If your cookie broke into 3 pieces, the answer is no.
CASEY'S FORTUNE, TAKE 2: You're laughing now, just wait till the New Year.
And the WORST FORTUNE COOKIE I HAVE EVER RECEIVED, EVER?!
CASEY'S FORTUNE, TAKE 3: The end of your struggles are not near. They will never end.

What. The. Eff.

My first fortune basically TOLD me I wasn't getting the bag off. My second fortune sounds like a death threat and let me know that I would NOT be laughing come 2008. And my third fortune, like, wtf? Who makes a fortune like that? These fortunes are NOT FUNNY. They are HAZARDOUS to my MENTAL WELL-BEING!!!

I'm good.

But seriously, what's up with depressing fortunes? The one my Poppy (mom's dad) got said This is not your week. More like this is not my YEAR.

Oh, and Merry Christmas.
Fortune cookies are ho, ho, hos.

1 comment:

dineer526 said...

You may overindulge in comma usage, but at least you don't:

Use.Periods.In.a.Sentence.for.Emphasis

That is so annoying!

I think if you eat black-eyed peas for New Year's Eve, it gives you good luck and reverses any nasty fortunes in fortune cookies.