If You Go Under... But Don't Go Out

"It is known as anesthesia awareness. The body is asleep... but the mind is awake. What if you went under... but didn't go out?"

Oh. My. God. Please. No.

Another anesthesiologist-wants-to-kill-you thing. First, I read Coma by Robin Cook (the linking isn't working, sorry), about a murderer who kills his victims by tampering with the amount of anesthesia they get during surgery. This puts them into a fatal coma, never to wake up. I read this in March, before I even knew I was getting an ostomy bag. So granted, the only thing I was thinking about as I got the first dose of anesthesia was, "Omigod he looks like a criminial. I swear I saw him on To Catch a Predator." I don't even watch To Catch a Predator!!

So I've stopped thinking about the anesthesia "mistake" in Coma just long enough for another evil doctor to come on to the scene in that new movie Awake. It's about a surgeon and anesthesiologist who are in surgery and put the guy under anesthesia, but he can feel everything and hear everything they say. And they want to kill him. And I don't know how long this movie can last if they kill of the lead character with anesthesia, but not the point. I know my surgeon and anesthesiologist don't want to kill me, but it still makes me freaked out!

So if I go under... but don't go out, and I experience anesthesia awareness, and my body is asleep... but my mind is awake, I'll miss you all.

P.S. What does that even mean??

The Ostogods Hate Me

I am so proud of myself. I made progress today. I asked for breakfast and my mommy or daddy didn't even remind me. I asked for drinks and I was always sipping on something. I got up and took a walk around the neighborhood when I wasn't even asked to. I asked for lunch before anyone had to remind me it was time to eat. I ate at reasonable hours without going more than 3 hours without food. I went for another walk with my mommy and my nana. I took a long, hot shower, standing up the entire time. I drank two bottles of Acai juice, took my disgusting antioxidant and multivitamin out of the fridge and took them both without having to be reminded, and ate a snack. I drank a full bottle of pomegranate juice and had no mood swings today. I never once gagged

So tell me. Why is there NOTHING, zip, nada, zero output in my bag?!

I'll tell you why. The ostogods hate me. When I don't do what I'm supposed to, they give me output towards the end of the day, around right now. And lots of it! But I only walk once those days, and it's only half the neighborhood, And I gag when I eat. I don't eat enough. I get moody and most of my day is spent sitting down. I always have to be reminded to eat. But the one day I do everything right and just like I'm supposed to, the ostogods decide I'm not worthy of any output.

What. The. Freak?

Someone's gotta email those unfair little -censored- (There, happy, Lindsay?) and tell them I did what I'm supposed to! I'm a good girl! I deserve some love! I thought the ostogods loved me! That's why they were giving me the unnecessary output! But I guess not...

"Love, I put my faith in love... I followed where it led... to my personal circle of hell... it has not worked out well."
(From Legally Blonde the Musical. It's a bit of an obsession.)

Coming soon, my email to the ostomy gods.

I'm Thankful for my Ostomy Bag

Since today is Thanksgiving, I've decided to do a SUPER SPECIAL EDITION POST!! Instead of the this-sucks attitude that usually comes across in my blog posts, I'm going to give you a list of the good things that have come out of me having an ileostomy bag.

1. I learned lots of funky medical terms and I get to sound, like, super duper smart when I use them. Like toxic shock syndrome (thanks to Laura for that one), phantom pain, and rectal/stomal output (which is just a really fancy name for poop).

2. aFtRr lErNiN aLl tHu BiIg wUrDzz ii d0nT tAlK lYk diZZ n ii tH!Nk iTz lYk $0 aNn0yiin wEn PpL d00 dIz. ii mEEn sRsLy uu g0 2 sK00l rIte? tAlk lYk aa hUmaN Be!nG.

3. I get lots of sympathy!

4. We're going to Disney in two weeks, and because I'll still have my bag on then (4 MORE WEEKS AHH!) Dr. Thompson or my uncle, who's a chiropractor, gets to write us a note and we bring it to guest services and we get to go to the FRONT OF EVERY LINE OH YEAH!

5. We interrupt this post to bring you AWESOME NEWS: LEGALLY BLONDE THE MUSICAL IS ON THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE!!! THEY ARE PERFORMING WHAT YOU WANT!!! I AM OBSESSED!!!

6. I have a really good reason not to do drugs. These are the exact words from a website I was on:
"Methamphetamine should not be taken by people without a large intestine. This will result in failure to digest quickly enough and almost immediate death."
I can see it now: "Hey Casey, come on, try this meth!" "No thanks, Tom. I have no colon and me taking that would result in immediate death."

7. I get to be lazy most of the day which means I can watch Legally Blonde the Musical like all day.

8. This has made me pretty strong and pain is not usually a big deal.

9. As the guy from fear factor says, fear is not a factor for me. Well, yes it is. Like crowded elevators and heights and bugs, those bring me fear. But not my ostomy bag!

10. And that's it. I can't think of anything else.

That was a sad little list.

The Twelve Step Program for Ostomates

STEP ONE: STATE YOUR NAME AND YOUR PROBLEM.
Hello, my name is Casey, and I'm an ostomate.
Since June 11th, 2007, my life has been filled with poop that could very well be dirty rainwater's stunt double, obstructions every freaking month, throwing up spontaneously, lots and lots of blockages, contrast tests every 5 weeks, and random things such as fingers and tubes put up my bootay and small intestine.
STEP TWO: OKAY, EWWWWWWW. WHY...?
Why, you ask?
To get rid of a disease called colitis. Yes, no more colon means no more colitis stomachaches. No chance of getting colon cancer. No more colonoscopies or endoscopies. But sadly, it also means a little less of a life, for now.
STEP THREE: HOW HAS THIS IMPACTED YOUR EDUMBCATION?
School is a problem. I'm absent usually once a week, sometimes more on a bad week. Last week I wasn't there at all. I had an obstruction that needed to be fixed by surgery. This week I was only there Tuesday, and I'll go back tomorrow. Right now I have a partial blockage that we're trying to fix by a remedy we found on a website for ileostomy care.
STEP FOUR: HOW HAS THIS IMPACTED YOUR RELATIONSHIPS? LIKE, WITH PEOPLE. YEAH.
Lindsay and Zachary don't know anything about my ostomy. Whenever I even mention it Lindsay pretends she has to go throw up. Zachary is adorable about it. When I say I feel sick he comes and hugs me. But he also jumps on the bed, wakes me up, and comes in every twelve seconds. My mommy sometimes gets edgy with me when I don't eat because I don't feel good.
STEP FIVE: WHY IS MR. GALLO SO MEEEAN?
I don't knowww! He makes me make up all the homework I missed! Grr.
STEP SIX: SO DO YOU, LIKE, HAVE FRIENDS? CAUSE THAT'S GROSS!
My friends are really understanding about it, thankfully. Some more than others. I've really learned who my real friends are because of this. Some people just don't get it though. I've had people ask me, "What's that?" just randomly in the hallway.
STEP SEVEN: YOUR CLOTHES DON'T COVER IT?!? EWWWWWWW!!
No, my clothes do cover it. And if they ride up while I'm sitting or something, I have white bags so that no one can see my toxic waste.
STEP EIGHT: OKAY, GOOD. CAUSE THAT WOULD BE, LIKE, SO GROSS.
You know, this isn't really helping.
STEP NINE: SO YOU COULD BE POOPING RIGHT NOW AND WE WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW IT?
Yeah, basically. I can poop standing up, sitting down, while I'm sleeping, in school, anywhere, anytime. And I only have to empty the whole thing every four hours or so. I usually empty in school around fourth period.
STEP TEN: SO YOU COULD USE IT AS A WEAPON AGAINST A ROBBER BY POURING IT ON THEM.
Good idea!
STEP ELEVEN: THIS OSTOMY THING IS ACTUALLY KIND OF INTERESTING.
When you take the time to think about it, it is. I mean, a vital organ that's supposed to stay in your body just wasn't working for me. If I didn't have this ostomy bag, I'd be dead or somewhere close to it.
STEP TWELVE: ARE YOU EVER GETTING IT OFF?
Yes! We've set a date: December 21st. I could not be more excited and nervous. I'm kinda gonna miss my little stoma buddy, but I am not going to miss all the problems that came with him! I've learned so much from having this. But there's a time for everything, and really, I couldn't deal with this any longer.