Saturday, September 29, 2007

Math Textbook Fun

The Dunder-Mifflin math textbooks make my day.

Every day after fourth period, Hannah and I fast-walk to our lockers to get our math textbooks for fifth period with Mr. Gallo.

Why, you ask?

Because of Tyrone White and his family.

In chapter two, all the word problems follow the adventures of Tyrone White and his multi-racial family and friends. Yes, I know that sounds completely racist. But it's not. It's hilarious. This is Tyrone's life story.

Tyrone White's family is very large. He has a sister named Rasheeda and a brother named Ying-tao, who hia mom and dad adopted from China. His mother is from the old country and her name is Martha. His father is an illegal immigrant from Mexico named Pedro. Pedro is a director. He's directing a movie starring his Israeli friend named Ishmael and his brother, Hershel. The White family's neighbor is a Pakistani pacifist named Zahra. Her boyfriend is a Native American tribe-leader named Eyes Like The Owl. In the apartment on top of the Whites, there's a gay couple named Joseph and Gary awaiting approval for their marriage. They share an apartment with Iraqi homophobe Ahmed. Every day, their alcoholic Irish friend Rachael and her alcoholic brother Dewey cross the street and get hit by a car, but no problem. Their friend got bit by a radioactive spider and is now Spiderman.

Fun with textbooks!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Greatest Commercial Ever

Disney Channel. How I LOVE the Disney Channel.

The geniuses that brought us amazing shows and made-for-TV movies like:
Hannah Montana (best of both worlds)
High School Musical 1 & 2 (all for one and one for all)
The Suite Life of Zack and Cody (ASHLEY TISDALE)
Jump In (push it, push it)
Corey in the House (it's a party every week)
Life with Derek (casey macdonald)

are also the same people who thought up:
That's So Raven (like, zomg, i heart fashion! lolzz)
Phineus and Ferb (putting talent to waste)
Really Short Reports (& weeee're out!)
Disney 365 (retardation)
The Movie Surfers (obnoxiousness)
and my favorite, The Lizzie McGuire Movie, with which I have a love-hate relationship. (yeah, she like totally freak out!)

Now, everyone's most favoritest DCOM (for all you un-disney-channel-watchers, that's Disney Channel Original Movie) is High School Musical. The first one was good, the second was ah-mazing. Put together in one weekend, they're unstoppable, homey. so Disney Channel has put together this commercial for the event.

(narrator man)
Are you ready...
...for the start of something new?
Because it's gonna be fabulous!
Getcha head in the game for High School Musical...
...and High School Musical Two.
Because we're all in this together.
All for one...
...breaking free.
(Zac Efron and Corbin Bleu)
Join us for High School Musical and High School 2 weekend!
(narrator man)
It's the music in you...
You can bet on it!

Like, wow. That is SO MUCH BETTER than any moment in the Lizzie McQueer movie!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Lizzie McGuire and Other Crizzap

Green. What a pretty color. Like the dewy grass in front of my house. Like that amazingly gorgeous dress Ashley Tisdale wore to the VMAs. Like Hannah Montana's favorite sequined shirt.

Like my ostocrap.

Yes, everyone. Casey's toxic waste is green. Green like grass, Ashley Tisdale's dress, and Hannah Montana's t-shirt. Bright freakin' green.

But enough about that. Let's get to the good stuff, like McDonald's french fries. Yumm.

Right at this very exact moment, my sister is watching The Lizzie McGuire Movie in the living room. I. Hate. That. Movie. With a passion. I mean, really, Transformers is more believable. In case you don't watch Disney channel at 8:00 on one day every two months, The Lizzie McGuire Movie is a badly-written, badly-acted movie about Lizzie's middle school graduation. They take the outgoing 8th graders to Rome for one week. While on vacation with her ENTIRE grade, she meets Paolo, a Roman popstar who mistakes her for his missing partner, Isabella (& you'll get a kick out of this: it's pronounced Ees-ahh-beyyl-ahh). So Paolo basically stalks Lizzie until she's like, "Whatever, male version of Paula Abdul, I'll come and be your Eesahhbeyylahh." . So then, obviously, Lizzie falls madly in love with Paolo Abdul. So then it turns out that Eesahhbeyylahh can't come to some award show that Paolo Abdul signed up for. So Lizzie pretends to be Eesahhbeyylahh for her new lover-boy. I won't tell you the rest. You'll have to watch it. But the end is just as 'fantastico' as the beginning & middle.

First of all, this movie is actually really funny. Let's get that straight. But it also has more cliches than a whole book of cliches.

Amazing quotes:
"So did she, like, totally freak out?" "Yes, she totally freak out!"
"It's ok, I have this cool cheese!"
"Can we have spaghetti?" "It's like 9 in the morning." "So?" "I don't eat carbs."
"Ciao, word."
"Like, total viva! I'm loving this!"
"Look at all of you, you think I'm American! I am, how you say? Awesome?"
"But, you don't even eat carbs!" "I'd eat them if an Italian boy bought them for me!"

Finally: The fashion deigner's name is Franka Demontibikini

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Bad Lyrics

This is one of those rare posts with very little to do with my wonderful bag. I have been through way too much to listen to bad lyrics in songs. Here are some of my favorites.

"She made us drinks... to drink... we drunk 'em."
T-Pain, 'Bartender'. What else do you do with your drinks? Pour them on your head?

"Lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains."
Shakira, 'Whenever, Wherever'. This woman got a 100% on her similes and metaphors test.

"I love you like a fat kid loves cake."
50 Cent, '21 Questions'. Haley's favorite.

"You're beautiful, you're beautiful, you're beautiful, it's true."
James Blunt, 'You're Beautiful'. Can you say writer's block?

"My best friend Leslie said 'Oh, she just bein' Miley'."
Miley Cyrus, 'See You Again'. Nice, Miley! If you want to break away from the 'Hannah Montana' image, tell the people that your name is MILEY in your song!

"I'm respected from Cal-i-forn-i-a way down to Japa-a-an."
Timbaland, 'Give it to Me'. Ok, um, Timbaland? I love your music and respect you and all, but Japan is not DOWN from California. It's east. Waay east. It's not down!

"I'm hot cause I'm fly, you ain't cause you not, this is why, this is why, this is why I'm hot."
Mims, 'This is Why I'm Hot'. Ohhh yeah. This guy's gotta work on his ego.

"My hump, my hum my hump my hump, my lovely lady lumps."
Black Eyed Peas, 'My Hump'. This, my friends, is what 2000+ years of civilization has brought us to.

"Like the little schoolmate in the schoolyard, we'll play jacks and Uno cards."

"This sh*t is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S."
Gwen Stefani, 'Hollaback Girl'. My sh*t has pieces of peanuts, P-E-A-N-U-T-S.

"You make me wanna la-la, in the kitchen on the floor, I'll be your French maid, where I'll meet you at the door, I'm like an alley cat, drink the milk up I want more, you make me wanna, you make me wanna, scream."
Ashlee Simpson, 'La La'. Ok, how exactly do you la-la?

“Hey oh... listen what I say oh... I got your hey oh, now listen what I say oh."
Red Hot Chili Peppers, 'Snow (Hey Oh)'. Can you say Songwriting Under the Influence?

"Baby, cause in the dark, you can see shiny cars."
Rihanna, 'Umbrella'. Yes, Rihanna, you can. Congrats.

"Baby, if you strip, you can get a tip, cause I like you just the way you are."
Timbaland & Keri Hilson, 'The Way I Are'. Ok... might possibly be the weirdest lyric ever.

"This is the potential breakup song, our album needs just one, oh baby please, please tell me."
Aly & AJ, 'Potential Breakup Song'. Ok, um, why?

"You have me suicidal, suicidal when you say it's over."
Sean Kingston, 'Beautiful Girls'. *sniff, sniff* I smell EMO!

"Wait a minute hold on dawg... do she got a kid? (Yep) Loves some Waffle House? (Yep) Do she got a beauty mark on her left side of her mouth? (Man?) Went to Georgia Tech? (Yep) Works for TBS? (Yep)."
R Kelly & Usher, 'Same Girl'. 'Loves some Waffle House'? She doesn't sound that "fly" to me.

"And when I'm quiet you break through my shell, don't feel the need to do a rebel yell."
Hannah Montana, 'True Friend'. Does this make sense to anyone?

"Were you born in '74? Are you the kind of guy that I should ignore?"
Hilary Duff, 'Danger'. If it's not totally obvious she's talking about Joel Madden...

"So many girls be checkin' my style, checkin' my style, checkin' my style, so many girls be checkin' my style but I don't even care, no."
Ashley Tisdale, 'Not Like That'. Dear Ashley, YOU ARE NOT A GANGSTA.

"I know you’ve been waiting
But I’ve been out making babies
And like a chef making donuts and pastries
It’s time to make you sweat
Sex and sugar is the flavor
Ovens and beaters and graters
Beats made of bongos and shakers
It’s time to make you sweat."
Gwen Stefani, 'Yummy'. Sex-ay song.

"They like the way my pants, it compliments my shape."
Gwen Stefani, 'Wind it Up'. Sorry, Gwen. I love you, but no.

"Crazy Car, to lead me no where, lead me no where, actually, it's made for there, made for there...
Cra-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-zy Car
Cra-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-zy Car
Cra-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-zy Car
Cra-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-zy Car."
Naked Brothers Band, 'Crazy Car'. Lyrical. Genius.

"Next time I see you, I'm giving you a high five, 'cause hugs are over rated, just FYI."
Jonas Brothers, 'S.O.S.'. Whoaa. These dudes better not be dissing hugs!!


One day when I came home at lunchtime,
I heard a funny noise.
Went out to the back yard to find out if it was,
one of those ratty boys.
Stood there with the neighbor called Peter,
and a Flux Capacitor.

He told me he built a time machine.
Like one in a film I've seen,
yeah ... he said...

I've been to the year 3000
not much has changed but they lived under water.
And your great great great grand daughter,
is doing fine

He took me to the future in the flux thing, and I saw everything.
Boy bands, and another one and another one ... and another one
And girls there with brown hair like star wars float above the floor

We drove around in a time machine,
like one in a film I've seen...

Said I've been to the year 3000.
Not much has changed but they lived under water,
and your great great great grand daughter,
is doing fine

I took a trip to the year 3000.
This song had gone multi-platinum
Everybody bought our 7th album.
It had outsold Kelly Clarkson.
I took a trip to the year 3000.
This song had gone multi-platinum.
Everybody bought our 7th album

He told me he built a time machine
Like one in a film I've seen,
yeah... he said...

I've been to the year 3000.
Not much has changed but they lived under water.
And your great great great grand daughter,
is doing fine

He said, I've been to the year 3000.
Not much has changed but they lived under water
And your great great great grand daughter,
is doing fine

He said, I've been to the year 3000.
Not much has changed but they lived under water
And your great great great grand daughter,
is doing fine

He said I've been to the year 3000
Not much has changed but they lived underwater,
And your great great great grand daughter
is doing fine

That is the lyrical genius that is 'Year 3000' by the Jonas Brothers. Wow. These guys should write Hallmark cards.

My great great great great great great great granddaughter is doing fine,

I Have an Emotional Attatchment to my Remaining Intestine

A 3-part essay.

Hello, readers of ostomy blog! How was YOUR Labor Day weekend? Ok, enough about you, this is my blog here & I call the shots. My Labor Day weekend was truly amazing... until Sunday. Yeah. I had one good day of dancing, laughing, Hannah Montana-filled fun, then... kersplat went my weekend.

Sunday morning I woke up, expecting it to be like any other morning. It's 9:00 a.m. and I'm out of bed. I go in to the bathroom and empty my too-full ostomy bag. I wash my hands & face, brushed my teeth, put eyedrops in, & I'm ready to go. Not so much. This Sunday was unlike any other Sunday since June 11th. Why? Because the first and most important thing was simply not there: there was absolutely nothing, nada, not a single droplet of any poo in my ostomy bag. So, being me, I flipped. I cried. I told my mommy. I took the bag off. And when I took the bag off, expecting to see a perky, slimy, happy pink Stomey (that's what I call my stoma, of course), in its place was a stoma that was small, tucked in to my skin, almost purplish, and giving out no output. Until today, I had no idea what an emotional attatchment I had grown to Stomey. But when I saw it in there, all sad and tucked in and not working, I seriously started bawling. Seeing my stoma like that made me really upset. So I went into the bath for like an hour. Nothing. Then I stayed in the shower for half an hour. Still nothing. My mom & I didn't put a bag on, to let my skin & stoma breathe a little. Around four-ish, still, nothing was coming out. My mommy called the doctor & then off I went to my favorite place, Baptist Hospital.

I went to the ER where EVERYONE asked me, "What's wrong with your eye?" Um hello, NOT the reason I'm here. I have a small bowel obstruction, people!! "It must be herpes type whatever. The non-STD one." WHO THE HELL CARES?!? I'M IN CRITICAL CONDITION AND ALL YOU BIGSHOT ER DOCTORS CARE ABOUT IS MY STUPID EYE? So, yeah. My eye looked pretty screwed up. Finally, Dr. Sola, who's not as good as Dr. Thompson but still really nice & doctor-y & stuff, came in and stuck this, like, 3-foot-long catheter thing in my stoma. I didn't even feel it. Then that night more output came in to the bag, so I was really happy about that. The next day Jake, Laura, & Peggy came and then Laura and Peggy left to talk to my much more exciting mom. And Jake stayed with me. And even though I probably bored him half to death, with ALL MY TALKING AND STUFF, he was awesome like always. I was taken in to a real room, & Dr. Thompson was there that day so he came to see me. I got a CT Scan & an x-ray, which showed I had extra scar tissue right up against my stoma which could be dangerous if left alone. He told me he'd know what to do later that day & left. We love him.

At around 2, Ana, one of the greatest nurses to walk the face of the Earth, came in and drew blood. Which was very painful to Casey because they used numbing cream, which I hate with a passion ever since my vein completely blew from an IV area that had been numbed. (Update: This latest vein officially blew, too. It's totally bruised.) I asked her what was going on and she told me Dr. Thompson had decided to do surgery to remove any extra scar tissue & stitch up... the leak in my pouch. Damn. I thought maybe, just maybe, he would do an all-in-one or something. That day at 4 p.m. I was in pre-op waiting for anesthesia. Last thing I remember the nurse was saying, "This will make you very...." and then boom, I was out. When I woke up the inside of my butt hurt like crazy, but there was so much drainage in the bag that I didn't care. I was fixed! And more importantly, my stoma was back to its perky self. I love you, Stomey!

How much longer till the FUN surgery?!,