Under Pressure

I took a contrast study yesterday. And, like all three of my fortune cookies said, it didn't turn out so good.

I now have two leaks, and one of them isn't getting any smaller. The other one is getting a teensy bit smaller every time - but if it gets just a little bit smaller each time, it could take years to close up (that's what the radiologist said). So Dr. Thompson is going to have to go in and totally redo the ostomy. Like take the small intestine back up and in, take the J-pouch off and sew it on again, and then take the intestine up and over my skin again.

It's going to be a while before I have this thing off. Like, a really LONG while.

It's time for me to give my blog a makeover again! Christmas is over. The best gift I got is a tree ornament from the amazing Neer family that has me as a doctor and says 'Who needs a colon?' on a perscription bottle I'm holding. I love it!!

On Vh1 and Vh1 Classic, they have a countdown of the 100 Greatest Songs of the 80's. It's the best. Haley and I were watching it and we were trying to figure out what song would be in the preview if my life were made into a movie.



Word to your mother.

Depressing Fortune Cookies: Ruining the Hopes and Dreams of Young Ostomates

'Twas the night before Christmas
When Jews eat Chinese food
Haven't bought any presents?
You're probably screwed.
'Twas the night before Christmas
And this ostomate sighed
Because she knew that tonight
Her puppy would cry.
To-mor-row morning (it's a stretch, but bear with me here. i feel like i've just gotten an 8 gallon shot of morphine. something was totally laced in my club soda tonight.)
When Christian people live well
All of my family
Is at the Boca Hotel.
'Twas the night before Christmas
And I'm a very jealous girl
Who ate too many lettuce wraps
And is now gonna hurl.

Like it?
So, okay, I'm not really gonna throw up. Gosh, just saying the word 'hurl' or 'barf' makes you feel sick, right? Cause I didn't feek nauseous, like, a second ago and now I do. I've realized that I am a frequent, comma, abuser, because, I, just, looked, at, all the posts I've done since October and I, use, commas, too, much.
So tonight we ate Chinese at the best Chinese restaurant in Florida, Orient Palace. It's like a half-hour drive but sooo worth it. Except for when we got the fortune cookies.

LINDSAY'S FORTUNE: People are drawn to you because of your charm.
NANA JUDI'S FORTUNE: The greatest decision you'll ever make will be made tomorrow.
GRANDMA'S FORTUNE: You are good with money.
ZACK'S FORTUNE: You will have excellent luck come the New Year.
DADDY'S FORTUNE: The next question someone asks, the answer is yes.

Those are all kickbutt fortunes, am I right? I mean, Lindsay's charming, Nana's a good decision maker, grandma's good with money, Zazk will have good luck in like a week, and daddy has the next 12 seconds of his life already planned out! So what did mine say?

CASEY'S FORTUNE, TAKE 1: So I ask the cookie before I break it, "Will I get my bag off?" and it breaks into 3 pieces after I split it open. Guess what the fortune says?
If your cookie broke into 3 pieces, the answer is no.
CASEY'S FORTUNE, TAKE 2: You're laughing now, just wait till the New Year.
And the WORST FORTUNE COOKIE I HAVE EVER RECEIVED, EVER?!
CASEY'S FORTUNE, TAKE 3: The end of your struggles are not near. They will never end.

What. The. Eff.

My first fortune basically TOLD me I wasn't getting the bag off. My second fortune sounds like a death threat and let me know that I would NOT be laughing come 2008. And my third fortune, like, wtf? Who makes a fortune like that? These fortunes are NOT FUNNY. They are HAZARDOUS to my MENTAL WELL-BEING!!!

I'm good.

But seriously, what's up with depressing fortunes? The one my Poppy (mom's dad) got said This is not your week. More like this is not my YEAR.

Oh, and Merry Christmas.
Fortune cookies are ho, ho, hos.

Have an OstoMagical Day!

All righty.

I just got back from... get ready to say "ARE YOU ******* CRAZY, OSTOGIRL?!?" to your monitor... Disney World. Okay, you can yell, I'll cover my ears.

We went to Magic Kingdom and Downtown Disney on Saturday, and we spent the day in Animal Kingdom on Sunday. And let me tell you. Right now, I feel like I'm going to die.

We had a wheelchair both days, sure, but still. I didn't have a wheelchair at Downtown Disney (huge mistake) and no wheelchair at the resort we stayed at, the Port Orleans Riverside. We had like the worst room in the whole place. Well, I mean, the room was nice and it's a really nice hotel, but we were the farthest from the restaurants. No joke. We were seriously on the other side of the resort. So I did a lot of walking. Probably more walking than I've done altogether in the last six months.

At Animal Kingdom, there were a lot of rides I couldn't go on. Expedition: Everest was too big of a roller coaster. Kali River Rapids was too rough and wet. Primeval Whirl would have made me nauseous. But then there was one more thrill ride that I wanted to go on that I did... and it hurt. The bumpiest, possibly scariest, most uncomfortable for your booty ride in Animal Kingdom is Dinosaur, something I do NOT recommend for ostomates. Or people with any butt problems. Because this ride is bumpy, and to keep my stoma from, like, falling off I had to hold tightly on to the handle bars. I mean, TIGHTLY. Like tightly enough that when I got off the ride, my arms hurt. (Oh, and in Animal Kingdom for lunch I HIGHLY recommend the Flame Tree Barbecue. Best fast food in Disney, no contest. Very good for ostomates :])

At Magic Kingdom, I did the regular rides I always do: Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, Pirates of the Caribbean, Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin, and my favorites, Splash Mountain and The Haunted Mansion. They completely redid the Haunted Mansion. The room that used to have the bride with the red beating heart is now pictures of her with various dead husbands. As your doom buggy goes by, the husbands go from having heads to no heads. And at the beginning of the ride where there used to be nothing, there are pictures that, when the fake lightning strikes, turn into seriously creepy photos. They made Big Thunder faster, too, and it really makes a difference. I couldn't go on Space Mountain because of the jolts the ride gives you when it starts and finishes, and the handlebars come down tight on your stomach. But I made up for it by going on the equally-as-thrilling it's a small world. Yes, I am a speed demon.

Downtown Disney is like whoa. World of Disney, which is the biggest Disney store in the world, is heeeuge! When you see it, it doesn't look all that big. But look again: The store takes up four of the regular-sized storefronts.

And, I have a surgery update: my surgery might be on January 7th, 2008. I have to get a (grr.) contrast test before it. If my leak isn't closed, we'll have to completely redo my ostomy again. Dr. Thompson will have to take of the J-pouch and sew it back on. But hey, if I never get my ostomy bag off, there's a good thing that comes out of it: we got to the Fastpass line of every Fastpass ride because of my bag. And rides with no Fastpass, we got an alternate entrance. Life is good.

I Love You, Stoma and Other Random Thoughts

Last night, I got very emotional. Why? Because I changed the wafer that they put on after surgery. I told my mom and dad this same exact story in these same exact words.

Ok, here we go. At around 3:30, I noticed my bag was leaking liquid, but not the actual poop so I put some surgical tape on it and just let it slide. But then it started to leak more and at around 5:00 I unwillingly had to take it off and change it. I was taking the wafer off when I realized how gigantically huge my stoma has gotten because of the surgery. So, I did what any sane person would do. I started to cry. Really cry, with dripping tears and yucky snot. The works. So I went in the shower to clean off my stoma cause it was really dirty. The stoma itself had that mucusy stuff that usually stays inside your body on it so I had to clean that off. And when it wouldn't come off with the cloth I had to actually touch it. With my bare hands. The mucus is sort of like wet booger. Then I accidentally srubbed ot hard trying to clean the area around it and the stoma got a cut and started to bleed.
As I was getting out of the shower my stoma exploded with toxic waste so I had to go back in the shower, clean it again, clean the floor, and clean the shower door. By now I was really crying. Then I had to cut the sticky part of the wafer to fit the stoma. I cut the size of the hole we usually cut to compare how big it had gotten. Seriously, it barely fit the hole that the poop comes out of. No way did it fit the whole stoma. Then I cut the hole a little bigger and it still didn't fit. Then I cut the hole even bigger and it still didn't fit. Then I had to cut the hole until the sticky stuff left around the plastic ring was about this thin:
________________________

The stoma is HUGE.
Oh yeah, and there's this drain that they had in my bladder during my hospital visit, so on the last day Dr. Neville, who's another doctor in the practice, had to pull the drain out. They gave me a little bit of morphine and she pulled it- with no anesthesia- after the morphine kicked in. It still hurt like hell and the cut from where it came out oozes a little. So I put anti-infecting stuff on the cut which stung so bad. I put neosporin on a huuuge Band-Aid and stuck it on there.
So then after that, I stuck the wafer on. And the top of the stoma is wider than the bottom so the stoma was squeezed, making more poop some out. So then I had to rush back into the shower and risk having me leak just so I could keep the wafer clean. But luckily, I got a pretty good fit on it so it didn't fall off. Then I had to put the bag on. Remember that cut I was telling you about? Well, duh, you only read it like 30 seconds ago. Well the plastic ring that snaps the bag on was right over my oozy, swollen, ouchy cut. When I pressed the bag on, I could feel the cut throbbing and it hurt so bad. The bag, though, was not cooperating so I had to press for like 5 minutes on the one area where my little cut was just to get the bag to stay on. And by now it hurts really badly. It's throbbing and oozing.

So I took a vicodin and everything was better. Oh, and by the way, the vicodin takes just about forever and a half to kick in. With the morphine, I could feel it in 15 minutes. With the vicodin, I have to wait 45 minutes before my pain is the least bit relieved. PLUS, it has funky side-effects. Sometimes when I take it I get very very very VERY happy. Sometimes, I get all, "the world is pink and look talking hamburgers and ohmygosh what a pretty flowerrr". And sometimes I kinda get all quiet and I just need to lay down. And other times I just get cranky, but not crazypsychobitch like the tylenol with codeine made me, just bitch. And sometimes I start thinking about lots of things at once and my brain gets all jumbled up. I took a vicodin about 20 minutes ago. Which Casey will it be today? There's Happy Casey, High Casey, Quiet Casey, Cranky Casey, and Mixed-up Casey.

Also, I must gain weight now. Again. At least my skinny jeans fit. A couple weeks ago I couldn't wear anything except those sweats that end below your knee and have that elastic ring and the ends. I have so many pairs of those. Well, I know I'm making progress when my skinny jeans are actually skinny, not baggy. Well, they're still a little baggy, but they fit well enough so you know they're supposed to be skinny fit. I mean, if a size 12 Slim skinny wash from abercrombie is too big, then you're too small. I mean, really, these things don't fit my sister and she's nine years old. This is such a long post about the randomest things that popped into my head this morning.

Coming Soon: A holiday gift guide/wish list type thing. Just some awesome things I found, mostly for kids (and adults who are young at heart). Plus, they're cheap and I would want any of these things. So these are gift ideas for anybody (AHEM AHEM AHEM) for like $20 and under.

Till the skinny jeans fit a little better,
Casey

It's Beginning to Look a Little Like Christmas...

Well, in my computer anyway. Not even in my computer, the background is a double rainbow we saw in New York. Definitely not outside, it's hot, humid, and wet. But I just re-did the blog for the third time in, like, two weeks. I like it. It's Christmas-y without being in-your-face. Ok, just telling you what I did. The end.

Some Christmas Music

Deck the halls with streaks of sunlight
Falalalalalalalala
'Tis the season to be sweaty
Falalalalalalalala
It's December but
It's 84 degrees out
Lalala Lalala Lalala
Deck the halls with lots of palm trees
Falalalala...lalalalaaaaaa

Jingle bells
Here it smells
Like Boca people's sweat
It's too hot here
I'm cranky and sore
Not in the mood for holiday cheer, hey!
Jingle bells
My stomach's swelled
Up to the circumference of Jupiter
It's hard to enjoy
The holidays
When your belly feels like someone's murdering you slow and painfullyyyyyyyyy!

Those are my little songs. Hope you enjoyed.

I feel pretty good today, actually, besides being so sore from surgery. I'm gonna eat now. Cinnamon rolls. Yum.

I'm Not Allowed in Here

Chicago Dating

This is what my blog is rated, according to www.justsayhi.com. This is for use of the words sex 10 times, kill 6 times, death 4 times, drugs 2 times, sexy 1 time, and porn 1 time. Yeah. It's all drugs, killing and sex here at Life as an Ostomate. I don't even know how I got the word sex 10 times. I don't use the word that often! I'm going to count and see how correct this thing is.

Just Like Dr. House

I am so ex-ci-ted! I am singing a song! Lalalalalala! I'm leaving the hos-pi-tal! Today or early to-mor-row! As long as I can wean off the mor-phine! And I have no pa-ain! Lalalalalalala!

Ok, stopping. But I'm so happy! I'm happy enough to have happy spelled with 5,000 Y's. Or E's. Like happeeeee. I might be leaving the hospital today after staying just one short (ok, one LOOOOONG) week!

There's this little kid in the room next to me. He must be about 3 or 4. They're taking surgical stickers off of him and he's crying and screaming, "Dadeeeeeee, dadeeeeeeeeee!" I feel sooo bad, because taking off surgical stickers hurts like hell.

Anyways, if you know me you know one of my most favorite things to do is sit on the couch on Tuesday nights and watch House. It's like the most amazing show ever. Besides Private Practice. And Grey's. And also, my new favorite, Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations. It's on the Travel Channel like every day and 12 and 1, and he's the funniest. guy. ever. Besides Joel McHale, that guy on The Soup. My nana watched The Soup for the first time on Monday and she was cracking up. I just got way off-topic. What I was trying to say was, I like House. It's a hilarious show and he made an ostomy joke! I fall madly in love with anyone who can tell a good ostomy joke. Here's how it went. So Dr. House and Dr. Wilson were trying to decide what this man who was obviously dying has. House had all of the symptoms on his board and Dr. Wilson was like, "It's colon cancer!" and House goes, "Well, it better not be, cause I used all of the bags we have while I was grocery shopping." I just got off-topic AGAIN. What I was TRYING to say before I got off topic like 10 times was this.

You know how House takes vicodin? And he's addicted? Well now I get to be like him cause I TAKE VICODIN TOO.

They're sending me home from here with it because I can't tolerate codeine. It makes me a crazy psycho bitch. My mommy said so. But vicodin, so far, just makes me happy and a little loopy for a while. It's actually hilarious. I was like cracking up for no reason and talking weird, but only for the first like half an hour after it kicked in. Now I feel fine. Sort of.

Yay for narcotics! Wooo!