The Twelve Step Program for Ostomates

STEP ONE: STATE YOUR NAME AND YOUR PROBLEM.
Hello, my name is Casey, and I'm an ostomate.
Since June 11th, 2007, my life has been filled with poop that could very well be dirty rainwater's stunt double, obstructions every freaking month, throwing up spontaneously, lots and lots of blockages, contrast tests every 5 weeks, and random things such as fingers and tubes put up my bootay and small intestine.
STEP TWO: OKAY, EWWWWWWW. WHY...?
Why, you ask?
To get rid of a disease called colitis. Yes, no more colon means no more colitis stomachaches. No chance of getting colon cancer. No more colonoscopies or endoscopies. But sadly, it also means a little less of a life, for now.
STEP THREE: HOW HAS THIS IMPACTED YOUR EDUMBCATION?
School is a problem. I'm absent usually once a week, sometimes more on a bad week. Last week I wasn't there at all. I had an obstruction that needed to be fixed by surgery. This week I was only there Tuesday, and I'll go back tomorrow. Right now I have a partial blockage that we're trying to fix by a remedy we found on a website for ileostomy care.
STEP FOUR: HOW HAS THIS IMPACTED YOUR RELATIONSHIPS? LIKE, WITH PEOPLE. YEAH.
Lindsay and Zachary don't know anything about my ostomy. Whenever I even mention it Lindsay pretends she has to go throw up. Zachary is adorable about it. When I say I feel sick he comes and hugs me. But he also jumps on the bed, wakes me up, and comes in every twelve seconds. My mommy sometimes gets edgy with me when I don't eat because I don't feel good.
STEP FIVE: WHY IS MR. GALLO SO MEEEAN?
I don't knowww! He makes me make up all the homework I missed! Grr.
STEP SIX: SO DO YOU, LIKE, HAVE FRIENDS? CAUSE THAT'S GROSS!
My friends are really understanding about it, thankfully. Some more than others. I've really learned who my real friends are because of this. Some people just don't get it though. I've had people ask me, "What's that?" just randomly in the hallway.
STEP SEVEN: YOUR CLOTHES DON'T COVER IT?!? EWWWWWWW!!
No, my clothes do cover it. And if they ride up while I'm sitting or something, I have white bags so that no one can see my toxic waste.
STEP EIGHT: OKAY, GOOD. CAUSE THAT WOULD BE, LIKE, SO GROSS.
You know, this isn't really helping.
STEP NINE: SO YOU COULD BE POOPING RIGHT NOW AND WE WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW IT?
Yeah, basically. I can poop standing up, sitting down, while I'm sleeping, in school, anywhere, anytime. And I only have to empty the whole thing every four hours or so. I usually empty in school around fourth period.
STEP TEN: SO YOU COULD USE IT AS A WEAPON AGAINST A ROBBER BY POURING IT ON THEM.
Good idea!
STEP ELEVEN: THIS OSTOMY THING IS ACTUALLY KIND OF INTERESTING.
When you take the time to think about it, it is. I mean, a vital organ that's supposed to stay in your body just wasn't working for me. If I didn't have this ostomy bag, I'd be dead or somewhere close to it.
STEP TWELVE: ARE YOU EVER GETTING IT OFF?
Yes! We've set a date: December 21st. I could not be more excited and nervous. I'm kinda gonna miss my little stoma buddy, but I am not going to miss all the problems that came with him! I've learned so much from having this. But there's a time for everything, and really, I couldn't deal with this any longer.